Kleine Weiss Kreuz
by seven dials
Summary: Presenting Weiss Kreuz Kapitel in tabloid form. Cover an entire 24-episode TV series in under 24 minutes! Yes, it's rather bizarre, but with any luck it's amusing. Completed; No particular warnings save for Ken cursing.
1. Episodes 1 to 8

**Kleine Weiss Kreuz, Episodes 1 - 8**   
Condensed by laila 

Disclaimers: Come on Kyoko Tsuchiya, Koyasu Takehito, Project Weiss and Movic.... you surely can't be interested in little old me's stupid little parody fanfictions can you? Can you? When I'm only writing for fun and don't intend to make any money off this at all, and I just want to enjoy myself and reach out to fans with the same strange sene of humor as me? And when I'm doing this only because I love the show so much? Can you? 

Author's notes: If you can't find your fansubs, can't afford or can't play DVDs, want to find out what the hell that irritating fangirl friend of yours is going on about or simply haven't the time or patience to watch Weiss Kreuz Kapitel, then this fic is for you! All 24 episodes of the original series of Weiss Kreuz presented in easy-to-swallow digest form! Cover an entire twelve-hour TV series in under twelve minutes and impress your irritating fangirl friends! Yes, okay, this is pretty stupid, but it made me laugh so with any luck it might well make some other fangirls/boys giggle as well. Please note the esteemed author is a massive Ken fan. Therefore, he's probably going to show up a bit more than the other guys even when there's no real reason to. But seriously, I'm not recommending this as a substitute for watching Weiss Kreuz. This isn't going to be that funny unless you're already au fait with the series and characters, I can tell. If you haven't seen it then I would recommend that you really don't read this fic, largely because it's packed to the brim with spoilers - go watch the series instead. It's cool. I love it. And it has Ken in, which always helps. 

**Mission 1: Lockvogel**

_AYA, YOUJI, KEN AND OMI SELL LOTS OF FLOWERS AND ARE GENERALLY REALLY CUTE._

OMI   
We're cute florists! 

MICHIRU   
I am sad because my boyfriend died when a car fell on his head. 

AKIHIKO   
Why don't you look at this weird disk you picked up for no reason? I'm not evil at all, honest. 

_MICHIRU GETS A MYSTERIOUS LETTER. SHE IS SCARED._

YOUJI   
Oh I wrote that. Ken you're a total fucking flake. 

KEN   
Bite me. 

_SUDDENLY THE LIGHTS GO OUT! AKIHIKO AND HIS GANG OF SLIPKNOT WANNABES ATTACK MICHIRU._

AKIHIKO   
Haha, I tricked you Michiru. I am evil and killed your boyfriend. Now you will die! 

_MICHIRU ESCAPES. YOUJI, KEN AND OMI KILL A SLIPKNOT WANNABE EACH._

AYA   
We're also scary assassins. Die, Akihiko! 

_AYA KILLS AKIHIKO._

**Mission 2: Fort Laufen**

YOUJI   
I'm not doing this mission because there are no cute girls. Bye. 

_JUN DIES._

AYA   
Damn I'm cool and scary. See me kill all these guys with this bit of pipe? 

OMI   
Hey Hikage, I've turned all the lights off! Come out so I can kill you! 

_OMI KILLS THE WRONG PERSON._

HIKAGE   
Haha, fooled you! I'm secretly a lady. Takatori, let me kiss your butt. 

TAKATORI   
I am an evil politician. Vote for me! 

_AYA KILLS HIKAGE THEN SEES TAKATORI. HE GOES POSTAL AND YELLS A LOT._

AYA   
Die Takatori! 

_CRAWFORD IS COOL AND TAKATORI ESCAPES. AYA IS REALLY ANGRY._

KEN   
Does anyone else think it's weird that I'm telling Aya to cool it? 

**Mission 3: Paradies**

YOUJI   
What, this mission involves lots of prostitutes? Cute women! I'm in there! 

KEN   
Of course you are Youji. 

MAKI   
Help, save me! 

_YOUJI SAVES HER. THEY ESCAPE BUT HE GETS INJURED AND PASSES OUT. _

YOUJI AND MAKI ARE CUTE. 

YOUJI   
Oh, you remind me of Asuka. 

MAKI   
What happened to Asuka? 

YOUJI   
She got shot running away from Riot and died. 

_MAKI IS SHOT IN RIDICULOUSLY SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES TO ASUKA, AND IN ABOUT THE SAME PLACE._

YOUJI   
Shit! I must rescue Maki! 

_MAKI IS KILLED._

YOUJI   
I should have seen that coming. 

**Mission 4: Verrat**

_CREEPERS GLEEFULLY SHOOT UP AN ENTIRE WEDDING PARTY TO KILL ONE GUY. IT IS COOL._

PERSIA   
Kase is evil. Kill him! 

KEN   
What? Kase is not evil. 

AYA   
Persia wants him dead. He must be evil. 

KEN   
Shut up Aya. 

_KASE'S EVIL BOSS VANISHES OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH._

MANX   
Ken, Kase really is evil. 

KEN   
No he isn't! Hey Kase, you're not evil are you? 

KASE   
Actually I am evil and I hate you. 

_KASE POISONS HIS EVIL BOSS FOR THE SHEER HELL OF IT THEN SHOOTS KEN FOUR GODDAMN TIMES._

KEN   
Okay, maybe Kase is evil. 

_KEN KILLS KASE._

**Mission 5: Schicksal**

_YURIKO DRINKS LOTS OF FOUL-TASTING MINERAL WATER._

YURIKO   
I am cute and really like Ken. 

KEN   
You do what? 

_KEN AND YURIKO ARE CUTE._

YURIKO   
Ken, will you emigrate to Australia with me? Please, please, please? 

KEN   
Um… 

_YURIKO DRINKS LOTS OF FOUL-TASTING MINERAL WATER. OTHER PEOPLE DRINK THE WATER AND DIE._

YOUJI   
You can't date Yuriko because you kill people. Yes I know it never stopped me but you're different. 

KEN   
Fuck you Youji, I'm quitting because I love Yuriko. 

PERSIA   
This guy makes poisoned mineral water. Kill him! 

_KEN KILLS THE GUY WHO MAKES POISONED MINERAL WATER AND ANGSTS ABOUT IT._

KEN   
Okay, so I can't quit. 

**Mission 6: Fräulein**

SAKURA   
I am small and cute and have only one kidney. Give me my kidney back, Youko! 

AYA   
Sakura looks really like Aya. 

_LOTS OF REPORTERS CHASE SAKURA. AYA IS COOL AND SAVES HER. SAKURA IS SAD AND FALLS OVER. _

YOUJI BICKERS WITH KEN OVER A PAIR OF BINOCULARS. 

YOUJI   
Aya, dating underage girls will get you arrested. 

_EVEN MORE REPORTERS CHASE SAKURA. MEANWHILE, YOUKO IS EVIL._

YOUKO   
I'm not evil! I'm a doctor! I want the rest of Sakura's organs too. 

SAKURA   
Let's have ice cream Aya-san! 

_SAKURA IS ABDUCTED AND STRIPPED NAKED. AYA SAVES HER AGAIN._

YOUKO   
I will escape from Aya by chartering this 747. Ha ha ha, I'm so clever! 

AYA   
No you're not. I'm so clever. 

_YOUKO DIES._

**Mission 7: Entfüren**

_SHOUTA IS ABDUCTED. HE IS CHASED AND RUNS AWAY. OMI RESCUES HIM._

OMI   
Oh! This incident with Shouta has triggered my repressed trauma about being kidnapped as a child! 

_YOUJI AND KEN ARE FUNNY AND ALSO RATHER CUTE. OMI ANGSTS A LOT._

MASAFUMI   
I am an evil scientist. Look at these scary bitches who are my bodyguards. 

TAKATORI   
I am more evil and my bodyguards are scarier than yours. Nyah! 

MASAFUMI   
Ah yes, but I have some equally scary kidnappers working for me. See? 

_SHOUTA IS ABDUCTED AGAIN._

OMI   
My dad never paid my ransom! I'm really angsty! I know, I'll rescue Shouta. That'll calm me down. 

_WEISS EXPLORE NINE SQUILLION REPAIR GARAGES. YOUJI IS A FLIRT AND KEN IS SHORT-TEMPERED._

YOUJI   
I am a flirt. Date me, garage office lady type. 

KEN   
Can't you give it up for five seconds?! 

_OMI RESCUES SHOUTA AGAIN AND THE KIDNAPPERS DIE._

**Mission 8: Raubtier**

PERSIA   
Masafumi is turning people into monsters. Kill him! 

_SAYAKA MEETS TETSUYA. HE IS ACTING REALLY WEIRD._

TETSUYA   
Sayaka, what would you do if I grew loads of hair and turned into a monster? 

SAYAKA   
You mean would it bother me aesthetically? 

_TETSUYA STARTS TO MUTATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AND RUNS AWAY IN A PANIC._

_OUKA HENPECKS OMI AND IS CUTE._

OUKA   
I am cute and pushy. Sayaka's boyfriend is turning into a monster. Omi do guys worry about that? 

OMI   
Not really, Ouka-san… 

_THE BOYS VISIT TETSUYA. HE HAS TURNED INTO A MONSTER AND IS REALLY STRONG._

KEN   
Oh, he's turned into a really strong monster. 

TETSUYA   
Shut up, you! I may be a nine foot tall sasquatch but I'm human! 

_SCHREIENT KILL TETSUYA._


	2. Episodes 9 to 16

**Kleine Weiss Kreuz, Episodes 9 - 16**   
Condensed by laila 

**Mission 9: Schreient**

YOUJI   
I can't fight women. 

_WEISS FIGHT SOME MONSTERS THEN FIGHT SCHREIENT. KEN SCRATCHES SCHOEN'S CHEEK._

SCHOEN   
My beautiful face is ruined! 

KEN   
You fucked my arm up and I'm not complaining… 

_EVERYONE LEAVES AND TALKS ABOUT REVENGE. THEN THEY COME BACK. THEY FIGHT SOME MORE._

_AYA FINDS MASAFUMI WHO TURNS INTO A MONSTER. THE BUILDING CATCHES FIRE FOR SOME REASON._

MUTANT MASAFUMI   
Ha! I'm God though I look more like a baboon. I'm going to kill Hell and attack Omi with tentacles. 

KEN   
I'll save the others by, um, jumping on Masafumi or something. That'll work. I'm an impulsive idiot! 

MUTANT MASAFUMI   
Aya! Bow down and salute your God! 

AYA   
You've turned into King Kong with added tentacles. How does that make you any kind of God? 

_SCHREIENT DIE, SUPPOSEDLY. MASAFUMI DIES, REALLY. WEISS ESCAPE, SOMEHOW._

YOUJI   
Hey, that Neu chick really looked like Asuka. 

**Mission 10: Bruder**

OUKA   
Omi! I fancy you like crazy! Let's start dating! 

OMI   
Wait a minute Ouka-san, I'm busy angsting about being an amnesiac and who Mamoru Takatori is. 

PERSIA   
Hirofumi is hunting people with dogs. Kill him! 

_OMI GOES CLUBBING AND DANCES WITH OUKA. ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOME SCARY GUYS KIDNAP THEM!_

SCARY GUYS   
We are going to hunt you with dogs. Run! 

_OUKA GETS BITTEN AND IS EXASPERATING. OMI GIVES HER ROHYPNOL AND SHE PASSES OUT._

OMI   
Youji-kun will you take Ouka-san home for me? She's cute. 

YOUJI   
I will, but only because she's cute. 

_OMI CORNERS HIROFUMI AND YELLS AT HIM._

HIROFUMI   
Oh, it's Mamoru! Where have you been for the last decade? 

OMI   
I'm Mamoru? Oh hell! 

**Mission 11: Abkunft**

AYA   
I hate all Takatoris because Aya is comatose! You're a Takatori too, Omi! Go away! 

_OMI GOES TO A PARTY WITH OUKA. SCHWARTZ ARE THERE!_

OUKA   
Come meet my dad, he's a famous politician. 

OMI   
Just a minute, I've got to yell at Hirofumi for being a jerk first. 

_OUKA HUGS TAKATORI THEN LOOKS FOR OMI. SHE IS ASSAULTED BY A PERVERT._

OUKA   
Help! Save me, Omi! 

_OMI SAVES HER AND THEY KISS. ABOUT THREE SECONDS LATER OMI IS ABDUCTED BY SCHULDICH._

HIROFUMI   
I'm going to beat you with this stick now, Mamoru, and incidentally I hate you. 

OMI   
That's convenient, I hate you too. 

_AYA, YOUJI AND KEN ARRIVE. THEY RESCUE OMI AND HIROFUMI RUNS AWAY._

SCHULDICH   
I am shaggy, sexy and oh-so-cool. I'm going to kill you all! 

_OMI KILLS HIROFUMI._

**Mission 12: Abschied**

SCHULDICH   
Haha, time for some mind games! Did you know I was a telepath? I'm so goddamn evil and cool. 

_SCHULDICH PLAYS MIND GAMES WITH OMI AND OUKA AND IS REALLY EVIL AND COOL._

OMI   
Oh no! Ouka knows I'm an assassin! 

OUKA   
Oh no! Omi is my brother! 

_OUKA AVOIDS OMI. HE CHASES AFTER HER. SCHULDICH PLAYS MIND GAMES WITH ALL AND SUNDRY._

OMI   
Weiss want to kill Ouka! I must save her! 

KEN   
Sure Omi's Takatori's spy. We're supposed to believe this crap? Hey, I look cute when I'm being serious. 

_SCHULDICH TIES OUKA TO A TREE. EVERYONE IS REALLY CONFUSED AND FARFARELLO FIGHTS KEN._

OUKA   
I am sad because I'm your sister, Omi. 

OMI   
Really? Then we're never going to split up! 

_FARFARELLO KILLS OUKA._

OMI   
Oh shit. 

**Mission 13: Bruch**

_TAKATORI IS EVIL AND ATTACKS SCHULDICH WITH A GOLF CLUB. CRAWFORD IS DEVIOUS._

A REPORTER   
Weiss are blowing things up. 

KEN   
No we're not. 

_MORE THINGS BLOW UP. PEOPLE DIE. AYA IS PISSED AND CONFRONTS PERSIA._

AYA   
I want to kill Takatori now. 

PERSIA   
It's too early and I won't let you anyway so that's just tough beans. 

AYA   
I quit! 

_YOUJI, KEN AND OMI GO IT ALONE. THEY ARE AMBUSHED BY APPROXIMATELY NINE SQUILLION SOLDIERS._

KEN   
It's a trap. 

YOUJI   
Actually we knew it was a trap before we got here, Ken. Remember? 

_AYA ATTACKS TAKATORI'S LIMO. HE IS JUMPED BY CRAWFORD AND FARFARELLO._

CRAWFORD   
Ha, I tricked you. He's not in it. Die, Aya! 

**Mission 14: Fliehen**

_YOUJI, KEN AND OMI ARE WELL AND TRULY OUTGUNNED BY THE NINE SQUILLION SOLDIERS._

OMI   
We're going to die. 

KEN   
Then let's at least do it really dramatically, okay? God, I'm willful! 

_THEY KILL LOTS OF SOLDIERS BUT STILL GET UTTERLY OWNED._

_AYA GETS HIS ASS KICKED BY FARFARELLO AND CRAWFORD. PERSIA AND MANX SAVE HIM._

PERSIA   
And that's why you can't go it alone Aya. Now save the others. 

_AYA SAVES YOUJI, KEN AND OMI SINGLE-HANDEDLY BECAUSE HE'S THAT COOL._

_TAKATORI DECLARES MARTIAL LAW AND IS EVIL. PERSIA KNOCKS OUT MANX AND GOES TO MEET HIM._

AYA   
Sakura, look after Aya for me if I die. Take this key. 

SAKURA   
Of course, Aya-san! 

AYA   
That's that done. Now let's disguise ourselves as soldiers and go kill Takatori. 

YOUJI   
Hell, why not? 

_WEISS ATTACK SOME SOLDIERS AND STEAL THEIR UNIFORMS AND CAR._

**Mission 15: Duell**

_WEISS INFILTRATE TAKATORI'S EVIL HQ WHERE KEN STARTS A SCARILY EFFECTIVE FIRE._

KEN   
Fire! Um… and it was like that when I got there. Really. Honest. 

TAKATORI   
Persia, I will now talk at you for ages and stop you killing me. Incidentally Omi's your son and you suck. 

_TAKATORI SHOOTS PERSIA AND LEAVES HIS OFFICE ALL OF TWO SECONDS BEFORE WEISS ARRIVE._

OMI   
Persia's been shot! 

YOUJI   
That's Persia? I didn't recognize him without his desk and heavy back-lighting. 

PERSIA   
Takatori is really evil. Kill him! 

_PERSIA DIES AND OMI IS SAD. THEY ALL GO TO KILL TAKATORI._

TAKATORI   
Aya is coming to kill me! Schwartz, you must help me! 

CRAWFORD   
We don't want to any more. Bye. 

_SCHWARTZ LEAVE. TAKATORI HAS A PANIC ATTACK AND RUNS TO THE ROOF. AYA FIGHTS HIM._

TAKATORI   
Haha Aya, I killed your family and now I'm going to kill you! 

AYA   
No you're not. I'm going to kill you. Die Takatori! 

_AYA KILLS TAKATORI._

**Mission 16: Schatten**

_OMI WRITES AYA AN ENDLESS LETTER. NOT MUCH HAPPENS FOR A WHILE._

YOUJI   
Hey, that's Asuka! 

NEU   
I'm not Asuka, I'm Kyoko… haha, fooled you, I'm really Neu. Die, Youji! 

_NEU TRIES TO KILL YOUJI. BOTAN SAVES HIM. SCHOEN TRIES TO KILL KEN. HE SAVES HIMSELF._

KEN   
Schreient are trying to kill me? Don't they know I've quit? 

_AYA-CHAN IS KIDNAPPED FROM HER HOSPITAL BED. MIKA IS KIDNAPPED IN THE STREETS._

AYA   
I must save Aya! 

OMI   
I must save Mika! 

_OMI GOES BACK TO THE SHOP. THE OTHERS ARE THERE ALREADY. MANX, BIRMAN AND BOTAN ARRIVE._

MANX   
We're reforming Weiss to get Esset. Talk to Birman. Bye. 

CGI PERSIA   
Cultists are burning girls alive. Kill them! 

_WEISS KILL THE CULTISTS AND OMI SAVES MIKA. EVERYONE ANGSTS._


	3. Episodes 17 to 24

**Kleine Weiss Kreuz, Episodes 17 - 24**   
Condensed by laila 

**Mission 17: Kritiker**

BOTAN   
Aya, why have you left Weiss again? Stop being a flighty pain in the ass. 

AYA   
I will find Aya alone. Now get out of my car. 

_AYA SEARCHES FOR AYA-CHAN AND IS A PAIN IN THE ASS. BOTAN IS COOL AND BEATS HIM UP. _

MEANWHILE, THE REST OF THE BOYS ACTUALLY DO SOME ACTUAL WORK. 

YOUJI   
This charity worker sets people alight by clicking their fingers. 

OMI   
And this new absurdly combustible chemical has nothing to do with it? 

SCHULDICH'S HANDS   
Charity workers! Set more people alight! 

_AYA IS A TOTAL PAIN IN THE ASS. BOTAN IS SHOT REPEATEDLY THEN SET ALIGHT. HE DIES._

AYA   
Oh no! Botan! If I hadn't been such a pain in the ass he might not have died! 

_WEISS ARRIVE AND KILL EVERYTHING THAT MOVES. AYA JOINS IN._

AYA   
Sorry I was such a jerk, Botan. 

**Mission 18: Schuld**

RUTH   
I am a kooky ex-nun. Can I buy some flowers, Ken? 

_RUTH BUYS LOTS OF FLOWERS AND NEARLY SUFFOCATES KEN BY HUGGING HIM. TWICE._

KEN   
Why does this kind of thing never happen to Aya? 

CGI PERSIA   
Farfarello is murdering priests and nuns. Kill him! 

KEN   
Ruth is in danger! I know, I'll protect her. 

OMI   
Are you feeling all right, Ken-kun? 

_FARFARELLO MENACES RUTH. KEN AND OMI TRY TO KILL HIM. THEY FAIL._

RUTH   
You killed your family, Jei! Repent and it'll all be fine. 

_FARFARELLO TRIES TO STAB KEN. RUTH SAVES HIM AND GETS STABBED INSTEAD. FARFARELLO ESCAPES._

RUTH   
I am Farfarello's mother. 

KEN   
Everyone makes mistakes. 

_RUTH DIES._

**Mission 19: Sehen**

_SOME PEOPLE LISTEN TO BLOODY AWFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC. THEY GO MAD._

OMI   
Oh look, there's Sakura-san. Go talk to Sakura-san, Aya-kun. 

SAKURA   
You're really weird, Aya-san, but I love you! 

AYA   
I was only interested in you because you look like my sister. Go away and let me angst alone! 

CGI PERSIA   
Kawaji's bloody awful music makes people go mad. Kill him! 

_YOUJI AND KEN BICKER ABOUT GIRLS. IT SOUNDS ALMOST AS IF THEY'RE FLIRTING WITH EACH OTHER._

OMI   
I think this CD is what's making people go mad. Let's play it and see if it works. 

KEN   
Okay it fucking works turn it off it's doing my head in! 

AYA   
Kawaji is holding a big concert. I must kill him before he goes onstage. 

_AYA KILLS KAWAJI BEFORE HE GOES ONSTAGE. SAKURA ARRIVES AT THE WRONG MOMENT AND SEES HIM._

AYA   
Now you know why I'm so weird. 

**Mission 20: Recht**

MIDORI   
I am cute and my dad is a policeman. Let's go to the court, Omi! 

HAZUKI   
I arrested today's defendant. He's an evil serial killer! I hope Kinugawa doesn't get him off as well! 

_KINUGAWA KILLS A WITNESS BY STARING AT HER AND THE EVIL SERIAL KILLER IS FREED._

HAZUKI   
Shit! 

EVIL SERIAL KILLER   
I'm free! I'm going to kill you, Hazuki! And your cute daughter! 

KINUGAWA   
Omi, I'm going to hypnotize you into a crippling attack of The Doubts. No man is born evil and all that jazz. 

OMI   
Oh. Okay. 

_OMI ANGSTS AND KEN IS SERIOUS AND CUTE. MEANWHILE, THE EVIL SERIAL KILLER MURDERS HAZUKI._

OMI   
Right, I'm over my doubts. You are evil, Kinugawa! 

KINUGAWA   
What? I spend all this time freeing serial killers and then I get murdered? How ironic is that? 

_KINUGAWA DIES._

**Mission 21: Trane**

_NEU GETS HIT BY A CAR. YOUJI SAVES HER. MEANWHILE, KEN IS AN IDIOT._

YOUJI   
I knew it! Neu really is Asuka! 

AYA   
Neu! Where is my sister goddammit?! 

_YOUJI STICKS UP FOR NEU. OMI AND KEN ACTUALLY DO SOME ACTUAL WORK AND ARE SUSPICIOUS._

OMI   
Maybe Neu isn't Asuka after all… 

KEN   
Hey, Youji? What happens if you're being set up? 

_YOUJI HITS HIM AND RUNS OFF WITH NEU. OMI GETS INJURED AND KEN FALLS INTO A CELLAR._

NEU   
I am not Asuka. 

KEN   
See? She's not fucking Asuka, Youji. Now get me out of this cellar before Omi dies of… um, something. 

_NEU TRIES TO KILL YOUJI AND HE STRANGLES HER._

NEU   
I love Masafumi! 

_NEU DIES._

**Mission 22: Miteid**

CRAWFORD   
I am refined, enigmatic and malevolent. Now hand over that comatose Aya-chan. 

HELL   
No! We're going to use her to lure Aya and resurrect Masafumi! So there! 

_WEISS INFILTRATE SCHREIENT'S HIDEOUT. NAGI AND TOT KISS AND ARE CUTE. YOUJI SPIES ON THEM._

NAGI   
I love you Tot. 

TOT   
I love you Nagi. 

_SCHREIENT BEAT AYA UP. KEN SAVES HIM, KIND OF. YOUJI AND OMI SAVE KEN. THEY ALL FIGHT._

SCHULDICH   
Haha, we fooled you all. While you were distracted we kidnapped Aya-chan. We're so clever. 

_SCHWARTZ KILL SCHOEN AND TOT AND ESCAPE WITH AYA-CHAN. NAGI FLIPS OUT._

NAGI   
I'm so angsty I'm destroying everything! 

_THE HIDEOUT IMPLODES. HELL DIES BUT THE GUYS ARE FINE IF A BIT BATTERED._

YOUJI   
That went well. 

_AYA IS EVEN MORE ANGSTY._

**Mission 23: Schraube**

_SAKURA IS AYA-CHAN'S CLONE, EXCEPT HER HAIR IS LIGHTER AND HER EYES ARE A DIFFERENT COLOR._

OMI   
Why don't we see you any more, Sakura-san? 

SAKURA   
Aya-san doesn't love me! 

_SHE WANDERS OFF AND MOPES AROUND. SCHULDICH PLAYS MIND GAMES WITH HER._

SCHULDICH   
Aya is a killer. Scare him by shooting him in the face. 

SAKURA   
I don't trust you any further than I can throw you, but I'll do it! 

_WEISS TRY TO KILL ESSET. SAKURA ARRIVES. SHE AIMS A GUN AT AYA AND ANGSTS HERSELF STUPID._

SCHULDICH   
Shoot Aya in the face Sakura. 

SAKURA   
Yes. No. Yes. I don't want to. Yes. Maybe. No! I won't shoot Aya-san in the face! Aaah! My brain hurts! 

KEN   
Whatever. Make your mind up, please. I'm getting really bored. 

_NINE SQUILLION YEARS LATER SAKURA FIRES AT AYA AND MISSES. ESSET ESCAPE._

YOUJI   
We're a bunch of screwups. 

**Mission 24: Ende des Weiß**

_SCHWARTZ ARE COOL._

ESSET GUY   
The ritual's nearly ready. I'm looking forward to it. How dare that lackey say it's too complicated? 

ESSET GUY WHO IS A LADY   
It's not complex at all. Why, it only takes hours, a precise timeslot and one unaging comatose virgin… 

_SAKURA IS SAD AND MOPES AROUND. MEANWHILE, BIRMAN IS DYNAMIC._

BIRMAN   
I don't care how scary and hard Farfarello is, he's not making an entire journey clinging to my wing mirror. 

_WEISS LOOK FOR SAKURA AND AYA-CHAN AT SCHWARTZ'S BASE. EVERYONE HAS GONE._

KEN   
Everyone's gone-- hey! Who stuffed Aya-chan in this locker?! 

YOUJI   
That's it? All that and she's hidden in a cupboard? What an anticlimax. 

_YOUJI AND KEN HAVE THEIR NINE SQUILLIONTH ARGUMENT._

_AYA GOES TO RESCUE SAKURA BUT IT'S A SET-UP. CRAWFORD IS COOL. SCHWARTZ ATTACK THE OTHERS._

SCHULDICH   
Hey, Youji and Ken? I'm going to distract you whilst Farfarello kidnaps Aya-chan. Okay? 

YOUJI   
Eh, why not. 

OMI   
Birman? I don't think 'behind the counter' is that great a hiding place. 

FARFARELLO   
It isn't. 

AYA   
We must rescue Aya and Sakura! Again. 

_THEY GO TO THE MUSEUM. AYA, YOUJI AND OMI ARE DRAMATIC AND COOL. KEN IS A COMPLETE IDIOT._

KEN   
If we get killed that's it. Yes, I know I'm not that smart but I'm cute, okay?! 

ESSET GUY WHO IS NOT THE OTHER TWO   
Hey, Mr. The One? We have a body for you! Come get it! 

_WEIRD SHIT HAPPENS. WEISS KILL ESSET BUT ESSET GUY ESCAPES. AYA RESCUES AYA-CHAN._

AYA   
Wait a minute… 

SAKURA   
You guys aren't florists after all? 

_SCHWARTZ HAVE AYA-CHAN FOR SOME REASON. CRAWFORD IS SARDONIC AND MASTERLY._

ESSET GUY   
You betrayed us! 

_FARFARELLO KILLS HIM. MANX RESCUES AYA-CHAN AND SAKURA._

CRAWFORD   
Aya! I will now talk at you for ages whilst Schwartz kill your friends! 

_SCHWARTZ KICK ASS. TO RESOLVE THINGS THE MUSEUM EXPLODES. THEORETICALLY EVERYONE IS KILLED BUT AS THIS IS ANIME AND NOBODY IS ACTUALLY SEEN DIE IT MEANS PRECISELY NOTHING._

SAKURA   
Oh no! Aya! 

AYA-CHAN   
My name's Aya. 

_NOBODY IS DEAD AFTER ALL EXCEPT FOR SOME RANDOM THUGS. THEY DON'T COUNT._

-ENDE- 


End file.
